Sticks and Stones...

 

....will break your bones, but names will never hurt you. 

 

Oh but names do hurt.  Words can hurt and leave holes in the soul just as a nail will leave holes in a board.  Here’s an experiment, throw a couple nails into a big flat board.  Hard  and fast.  But wait, you didn't mean to nail that board so go ahead and take them out.  Damn.  the holes are still there!  You may not have meant to nail that board and you took the nails back....but the holes they made are still there.  It’s the same thing with words.  Take the mean, hateful words back but the holes they made will still be there.  You can't see them, but they are there just the same.  Today I wonder, do words said, not to another person but to yourself....in your head...leave just as many holes?  Today I feel so full of holes that if I took a big drink of water I fear it would all leak out.  Today I am remembering and healing from verbal abuse,   not by a stranger...or a well meaning friend or the wrath of a loved one whom I had wronged, but by the woman who lives inside my head.  I hate her, she is so mean, she makes me cry.  Because of her I can't trust what I see or feel.  Sometimes she is so loud that she drowns out everything and everyone else out.  Her mean and hateful words are all I hear. 

 

"You are so fat and ugly"

"You will never succeed"

"Why bother?  It will never work"

"You will never fit in"

"No one likes you at all"

"You are a joke"

"You will always be fat"

"You will never be sexy"

"No one will ever love you, really love you"

"you don't deserve to be thin"

"You don't deserve to be happy"

"You just don't deserve...."

"Just quit"

"Give up"

 

Each word makes a new and very permanent, there forever, hole.  Some are big holes, some are little holes...but after a while there are just so many holes…and each one invisible to the naked eye.  This is what I am doing to myself.  I know I don’t deserve it and I would never do it to someone else.  I know that the one person who I should always be able to rely on, who will always be in my “corner” is me.  The only problem is, as it turns out, I am my own worst enemy.  Why?

 

Yesterday I had a bad day.  Yesterday when I looked in the mirror I despised the woman I saw looking back at me.  She was fat, saggy, old and ugly.  Her hair was too stringy, her breasts uneven and unattractive.  Her teeth are horribly crooked and her smile is awkward and unattractive.  Her belly had scars and hundreds of bright silver stretch marks that before weren’t quite so visible.  I cried.  I cried because she is not who I see inside my head or in my dreams.  It didn’t seem fair to be confronted with such a stark vision of reality when I feel I deserve more of the dream as a reward for all of my hard work and dedication.  I cried and asked why?  Why bother?  Why keep trying?  Why give up so much of what I love for a dream that is obviously so far out of my reach?  Why do I get up so early to go to the gym to work on my muscles, my cardiovascular health, me?  Why?  What good is it if I am doomed to be the most “Fit” “Fat” girl I know?  I don’t want to BE that girl.  The more I cried and asked why the more the hateful words formed in my head and the more I succumbed to the verbal, abusive onslaught of hate that I know so intimately well.  You don’t deserve to be happy.  That is why you can’t succeed.  You don’t deserve it.

 

In my despair I talked to a friend and she said “maybe you need to reevaluate your definition of what pretty is” 

 

Wow.  That wasn’t our whole conversation but it was the one sentence that she said that really stuck with me.  Reevaluate what pretty is.  When I think about it, I think there might be a whole lot of things that I might need to reevaluate.  Look beyond the actual and try to see the inner beauty. 

 

I remember the scars, I remember the pain that lead up to their creation, I remember my daughter, 6 months old, and me, not knowing what was wrong with me, why was I in so much pain, why couldn’t I eat.  I remember having to have my gallbladder removed and what a relief it was.  No more pain.  Some scars but I could live with them so long as I was alive and healthy and pain free.

 

All those bright silver stretch marks, I remember those as well.  I gave birth to two very healthy, beautiful babies…5 years apart.  I wanted more children but in the end I was only to be blessed with the two.  These bright silver marks are the result of their healthy growth inside me.  I never saw them before because I was so much bigger than I am now.  True, I am not thin and by medical definitions I am still obese but seeing these marks now are a sign of progress. slow and painful yes, but still progress.

 

 

I still need to work on reevaluating what pretty is for me and not how others define what pretty is but I think that will take a little more time and a lot more thought.  Not tonight.  Tonight I will start to practice self-acceptance and like anything else, my hope is…practice will make perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

Good Intentions ... Actual Outcomes...

Had nothing but good intentions all day yesterday. I tracked my calories like a champ throughout the day. Had about 500 when I left work for the remainder of the evening, which, should have been plenty...a challange, but plenty. I even made the bold statement earlier in the day that I needed to track my calories and stop eating when they were gone. Easy, right? Apparently not. The second I got on the bus for the commute home I started craving. Those cravings all of a sudden were followed by "OMG I am SO hungry", which I find strange because when I walked out of work, I wasn't feeling hungry at all. More cravings. 35 minute bus ride back to Burnsville Transit station, walk to my car and start my drive home. Traffic was bad, idiots on all sides of me and I can literaly feel my blood pressure rising (how some people even get a license completely astounds me. DRIVE YOUR DAMN CAR DUDE!).

Even more cravings, these were accompanied by day dreams of what I wanted to eat when I walked in the door.

Get home and all bets are off. I ate the pretzle rods I was craving (3 servings), the toast with Earth balance (embarrased about how much toast I ate), chips and a tomato on toast sandwich for dinner. I was so disappointed in myself. I did stop after that, I didn't just throw in the towel, wave the white flag and go all out with the thought "well, I've blown it...may as well blow it good". To me, that's like droping your phone then thinking "well that's it, I've dropped it, may as well give it a good stomp" and then smash it to bits.

Today is a chance for another new start. I've had 2 pieces of toast this morning with my coffee and measured out a serving of M&M's but that serving is still sitting on my desk. I've only had a couple M's with my hot coffee but I'll be tracking that serving. I go to the gym tonight instead of early morning so I can stay a bit longer than I normally would since I won't have to rush to get ready for work. Silver lining, right?


Good intentions for a better day.


Striving for a matching outcome!

Picking Things Up and then Putting Them Down Again!

This morning’s workout was only 40 minutes long. I felt the need to cut it short because with the snow coming down pretty hard I knew we were going to have to fight the gawd awful traffic just to get to the transit station on time, however, I was NOT going to call a “snow day” and skip the gym all together (though, the thought DID slink past my mind at one point). No, I was going to go no matter what! How’s that saying go? If you’re too lazy to work out then you don’t want it bad enough! Anyway, I had also planned this morning to be my first day back weight lifting. I’ve pretty much abandoned weight lifting all together for the last several months and become a “cardio bunny” (unless you count my weekly hauling of laundry up and down stairs as weight lifting). Here was my workout this morning:

• 3 minutes – Rowing Machine (500 meters) 
• Lat pull downs – 62.5 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Dumbbell Pec Flys – 10 lbs (each hand) (2 sets – 10 reps)
• Dumbbell Chest Presses – 15 lbs (each hand) (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Dumbbell Tricep overhead dips – 15 lbs (1 set – 10 reps)
• Dumbbell Bent over rows – 30 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Dumbbell Squat press to Shoulder – 20 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Walk 1 lap around track – (never felt so good!)
• 3 minutes – Rowing Machine (set at 10) (550 meters)
• Lat Pull downs – 62.5 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Medicine Ball Torso twists – 9 lbs (2 sets – 45 seconds each)
• 2 minutes stretching

 

Tonight I have 60 minutes of Yoga, this will be my 3rd week in a row doing Yoga and I am looking forward to it. It’s great practice for me to accept myself and my abilities where I am at today and try not to find fault with every lunge I need to modify or every breathing sequence I stutter through. In my effort to breathe the way I am supposed to I think I end up holding my breath more than anything else. With time and practice I know I will get it. Until then, it’s ok to be where I am in the moment I am, as un-bendy, uncoordinated and awkward as that may be.

 

Ps…and to the dude next to me tonight, apologies in advance for any leg tangling and tipping over I may cause myself, please know it is never my goal to take as many others down with me as possible.

Day 375...and counting

How do they do it? How do they find that inspiration to keep pushing and plodding on every single solitary day when the journey seems to be getting longer and longer with each passing minute for me? Here I sit, day 375 of consistently tuning in, despite inconsistent successes. In the past year I went from weighing every day to weighing once a month, not weighing at all and going strictly by "feel", weighing once every week or so to now, weighing every Thursday (with a caveat of course...). I tracked every single morsel that would pass my lips (a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!), didn't track at all, Was strict all week and had free day on Sunday, had a "treat bucket" locked in a closet that only came out on Sunday where I would eat whatever and how ever much I wanted. Free day turned in to "Free most of the time". Fell off the wagon...got back on the wagon, fell down, got back up yet again. Went to the gym every day 7 days a week, dropped to 5-6 days, took two weeks off...went back. I've cried, screamed, pondered why I am surrounded by success but can't get any to stick to me. Wondered "What is wrong with me?" ; "What am I doing wrong?" ; "Why can't I just stop eating?"...at my lowest moments (and trust me, I am not proud of this at all) I've even thought "Of all the eating disorders in this world, why do I have to have the one that makes me fat?!?!".




What is it? It's a marathon...a journey...a life long, hang on to your hats it's gonna be a bumpy ride...endless expedition.



What isn't it? It's NOT a quick fix. It's not a "take this one small pill and lose all your belly fat instantly". It's not "sprinkle this on your food and eat as much as you want and lose weight". It's DEFINATLY not "think thin and be thin" This one makes me laugh because I feel thin all the time but am always so damn surprised to see myself in a reflective window walking down the street....or a mirror...or worse, actual pictures. The old adage says, "the camera adds 20 lbs". In my case it's another whole person.



Most days I want the quick fix. I want the journey to end in success so badly it seems criminal to have to wait so long. I want what every American seems to want, instant gratification.



Most days what I get is that inner voice that says "get your ass out of bed, put on those damn workout clothes and just get to the f*cking gym"..."just do it". The inner struggle that says "NO, I DON'T WANT TO!". I'm tired, I'm cramping, My head hurts, my body aches, I should go in early to work because there is so much to do, I'm too stressed, I'm too fat, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!..."I hate you".



Just over one year of consistently tuning in and I didn't lose anywhere NEAR what I had thought I would lose, I struggled, I fell, I got back up again. My successes weren't as grand as I had hoped at the end of a whole year...but in the end, there were successes. I can wear size 18 jeans (down from 24 last year). I can run. I can do an hour on the elliptical without hoping for death at any second just so it will end. I don't have a "treat bucket" anymore. I don't have a "free day" anymore. I know what "full" feels like and frankly don't like eating to that point because it is uncomfortable now...not comforting like it used to. M&M's are not something I "HAVE" to buy in a 2lb bag anymore so that I will have enough. I've met some pretty amazing people through Fitness Pals, I've made friends at the gym. I may never walk into a bar and have "everyone know my name" but now, I walk in to the gym and they do and if the don't always know my name, they recognize my face. Every. Single. Time.



I learned that success is not always big. Sometimes success comes in a very tiny package...but that doesn't make it any less a success.



Day 375...and counting

Tuesday, January 24th ...My Monday...

(4:47am) I thought I could get away from calorie counting or point counting or tracking food in general, in any form...but it is apparent, this will not work.  I thought that if I just "ate what I should and leave it at that" it would be enough.  It's not.  I MUST count calories and track every bite.  I must.  At least for now and the near future, track...count...weigh everything.  After 3 weeks of hard work and struggle and dropping those 7 pounds, as of this morning I am back UP those 7 pounds plus an additional .4 more.  SO FAST!  SO not fair.  So disappointing, frustrating, infuriating...3 weeks to scrape and struggle and cry them off...3 days to pack them back on with absolutely NO effort what so ever.  Do I feel like a complete failure?  Hell yes I do.  However, I can't give in to those feelings as I will attract that energy.  I don't want that.  So...new experiment, I am 24 days into the new year and starting today I will track ever single thing I eat for the rest of the entire year.  This is gonna hurt.

If I don't track it...my body will....for the entire world to see.

Monday...you always seem to come so fast...

Happy Monday again, back to the grind stone. This weekend was relatively fun for the most part, a lot of what I like best, nothing. Never was a “big plans” kinda gal.

I didn’t meet my goals this weekend as far as health goes but the one point that is now glaringly obvious, I NEED routine on the weekends. Much like I have routine Monday – Friday. I have to have it to function properly and meet my ultimate goals. So this week I will be focusing on these three TOP goals:


1. Eat 4-5 veggies and 2 fruits EVERY day

2. Drink AT LEAST 70 oz. of water a day (more is fine)

3. Get back into the habit of REGULAR gym visitis. (this week will not be so much WHAT I do at the gym so much as focusing on getting there every single day habitually. I’ve been “skipping” the gym way too much and coming up with any excuse under the sun to justify it. Buck stops here. I’m never going to get the butt I want by constantly sitting on the one I already have.


And one final “goal” (more of a “I really want to prove to myself I can do this). NO treats Monday – Saturday. None. No excuse. No stress eating. NONE. Treats on Sunday only. (Dear God hear my plea….help me do this!)

Thursday, November 3rd (5:30am)

Hallelujah, it's Thursday! I've decided to join in on the "REVERSE Resolutions Challange" created by Mary at "Fitthisgirl.com" so for this challange I need tocome up with 2 "goals" TODAY, these two goals must fit the "SMART" criteria

I am not really good with setting goals, I'll lay that right out there. I always have the loftiest of goals for myself to which I have all of the best intentions but I get frustrated and always give up. So I ask myself this morning after reading Mary's emailed instructions, what are your two goals Jen? The FIRST thing in my head was "I want to lose 100 lbs!" Seriously? 100?...in 60 days? See what I mean? So for now I'm just going to list (up to 10) the ideas that I want to see happen over the next 60 days. From this list I will choose two "goals"...with Mary's help (I'm hoping) What do I want to achieve over the next 60 days?

1. I want to lose 20 lbs.
2. I want to not run for the food/snacks when emotions start running high or heated
3. I want to go to the gym consistently, without fail, 3 times a week.
4. stay away from "snacking" monday - saturday
5. I want to consistently eat no less than 5 veggies a day
6. I want to consistently drink at least 72 ounces of water a day
7. I want to wear my khaki pants comfortably (currently quite snug but wearable...not comfy)
8. I want to consistently lift weights 3 times a week
9. I want to run 3 miles in 40 minutes
10. I want to improve my bendiness

There...that's 10. Now I have to choose 2. Need to think on this a bit. Back later.

My journey to the Warrior Dash...the very beginning...

Ok, how to even begin to document Warrior Dash – Minnesota, 2011 is, as of right now, a complete mystery to me. My original plan at the time of registration (November 16, 2010) was to lose a ton of weight and the conquering of this event would be my pinnacle. Well, so much for lofty goals. I never did get to the weight I “wanted” (or deemed necessary for that matter). I did actually do a very good job of waffling back and forth and though I did actually lose about 15-20 more pounds over the year I virtually maintained for the most part. Which…is great, don’t get me wrong, as any “normal weight” person will tell you, maintaining is hard and I have proven this year that I can, indeed, maintain weight. I want it written down, for the record though, that my dream was to actually maintain 150 pounds…not the 248 that currently reside on my 5’6” frame.

I did continue to watch what I ate, went the gym on my scheduled days (for the most part). There were a few months we didn’t get our “bonus” (a reduced membership premium for attending 12 or more times a month) because we didn’t meet the monthly attendance requirements but overall we did well. For sedentary people we do move a lot. I decided that I couldn’t do the nutrition portion of my journey alone. It was quite apparent early on that I could not be trusted. I could not trust myself to stick to my “plan” and eat the “good” and steer clear of the “bad”. I could justify anything at any given time and I found out very early that I truly am a wealth of excuses just waiting to erupt, each and every one of them very plausible (if not wholly believable).

Entering, stage left…Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers is a great plan and it worked for me, it probably would still be working for me if not the financial implications of belonging to such a warm and welcoming group of “do-gooders”. For $39.95 a month, plus registration fees, snack fees, cookbooks, utensils, journal holders, 3 month trackers, water bottles, exercise videos, cookbooks, gum, special candies, restaurant guides and all those handy-dandy cannot do without, you name it, we got it, items you too can succeed. Don’t get me wrong, I truly did love Weight Watchers. I loved attending the meetings, hearing other people facing the same battles that I am on a daily basis, learning their tricks and tips to passing by the “too good to be true” donuts that just happen to always appear on the team tables and in the break rooms of offices near you. And all those “extras” mentioned above are just that, extras…you don’t HAVE to purchase them. But how can you not? Most of us wearing these shoes will do or try ANYTHING to make it to the next level of control. If it works for someone else, it MUST work for me. I’d be insane not to try…right? Well I tried…I lost, I gained…I maintained but in all honestly the most loss came from my bank account. So, even though I loved the meetings, my meeting leader and all those supportive people I’d come to really care for every Wednesday morning at 7:30am. I just couldn’t afford to “lose” anymore with Weight Watchers. Account closed.

I thought I could “go it alone” at this point, you know, follow the Weight Watchers plan on my own, using all those nifty gadgets I purchased during my membership and the knowledge I had thus far gained. I could do it on my own for FREE! Well, that lasted all of a couple of weeks. Without my weekly “accountability” my well of excuses over flowed and slowly but surely I stopped dropping. Here comes the waffling bits…up 2 down 1, up 4 down 5, up 3 down 1 and so on and so forth. Never really surpassing that special number on the scale, you know the one…the one that says “Oh no! I’ve failed again!”…but not really achieving that other special number, the “I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE GONE THIS FAR…” number! The “one” number you haven’t been in 15 years or more. It wasn’t working and it wasn’t working in a big way. How was I EVER going to get to where I wanted to be in order to participate in the Warrior Dash if I couldn’t even conquer my kitchen cabinet?

19 days and going in the wrong direction

Having a really hard time. Here we are July 5th, my "mini goal" of 10 pounds by August 1st is looking like a pipe dream and only 19 days remaining until I run the Warrior Dash. I've been eating like crap the last 4 days and using the holiday weekend as my excuse to extend "treat day" from Sunday to Thursday night, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Zero Gym days in there. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I KNOW what I want, I KNOW how to achieve it but I keep veering off the easy path and trodding down the path of self sabotage. I need some serious help, a 12 step program, an intervention, a shrink...SOMETHING.

Are you there God? It's me...Jennifer...

23 Days and counting!

WOW, 23 days until I run the "Warrior Dash" in Hastings! I never did quite get down to the weight I wanted to be before the actual race but that's ok. I sort of lost my way this summer, strayed off my path by just a hair and lost my clear view of the road. Have no fear though, I think I've found it again and if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other I'll make it.

There are 11 obstacles in this race and there are only about 2 that I am really concerned about, however, I am trying hard to ignore the fat lady in my head dooming me to failure before I even try. You can't win the race if you don't run, right? Concerning obstacles? Well, the walls (climbing up) and the Rapelling down the steep slope. Jim was awesome last Sunday at my session, he brought this huge rope and tied it to one of the stairway bannisters at the gym and we tried to "simulate" pulling myself up the slope with the rope. It wasn't a perfect simulation but it worked enough to feel it and to get the general "gist" of what to expect. Thanks Jim! Thanks for pushing me and for never giving up on me!

Decided to try implementing "mini goals" into the mix. Figure if I can hit a mini goal in a shorter amount of time that the smaller successes will keep me motivated and in time lead to the bigger success that currently seems so elusive. Mini goal #1 : Lose 10 pounds by August 1st. Will keep you posted.

Time for work...and coffee.

Today is: Saturday, February 19th - 2011

Not really liking the name of my blog anymore and trying to think of something new. Drawing a blank currently but that could be the realization that it is now 4pm and we have plans to meet for a double date at 4:30pm and I have yet to change my clothes. Make up? No make up? That IS the question and hence the writters block when it comes to a catchy, "really truly captures the essence of me" blog title. Perhaps this IS as good as it gets...

Present and Accounted for

Wow, can't believe how long it has been since I've checked in here. So, what's happened? 60 pounds lost, loving the working out, still working at the good ole' J.O.B. (there is a reason it's called work and not happy fun time), daughter graduated high school and has started college! Son started his first day of 8th grade today. Wow, time is ticking by faster than I care to admit to.

Have to say, my latest "thing" was giving up potato chips of ALL shapes and sizes. Gave them up for about 6 weeks, until this past week. This past week was my vacation (sta-cation to be more accurate). We had house guests for a week and I broke down and bought 2 bags of potato chips for a dinner of finger foods, sandwiches and Hors D'oeuvres. They sat in the house for 3 days without so much as me even thinking about opening them (this is not normal "me" behavior...there was something definately wrong with the "force"...) oh well, didn't give it much thought. D-day arrived and Aileen and I were prepping food for the meal pretty much all day. Got the chips out, ate some...something was DEFINATELY wrong with the force. I remembered them being FAR more delicious then what I was presently eating. Very disappointing.

Long and boring story short. I really don't like chips any more. How is that possible? What's that old saying? "Ours is not to wonder why..."

Today being my last day of vacation and the prospect of returning to "work" tomorrow leaves me less than thrilled, I think I will make a big glass of water and toast myself! Another seemingly insurmountable hurdle from the past leapt with great ease and grace. Yay me!

Developmental Opportunities

As a woman who is learning to work through her issues with change, learning to take things in stride instead of heading straight for the panic button first THEN take my calming breath. Yep, that's me...Panic first...then calming breath. I must admit that I have learned a lot over the past 5 years. To give credit where credit is due I will openly admit that the root of these learnings have been through Target. Yes, the good ole' J.O.B. For anyone working in a corporate environment there's a lot to be said for embracing ones "developmental opportunities". At Target we have our "Strengths" and our "Developmental Opportunities". Twice a year we have to beat these with sticks much like you would a dead horse. At first glance I will admit to thinking these were nothing more than exercises in futility, what good can possibly come from scouring through months of hard work to pick and choose areas from within yourself, your work habits, the way you connect with others, the way others "perceive" you (whether that's how you perceive yourself or not is irrelevant) putting everything in nice, neat little bullet points to answer one burning question...Does Jennifer play well with others?

Well I am here to say...it does work. Color me shocked! There are quite a few areas of myself that I have identified over the years as "developmental opportunities". Lets see...there was "does not like change" , "public speaking", "sharing my knowledge without fear of rejection" and the good ole' "panic first before anything else in times of crisis". That one has always been something I've struggled with. No matter the crisis, I've always skipped over the whole "calming breath", "assess your situation", "is there anything you can affect" steps and ran head long into "PANIC FREAK-OUT and CRY" mode. Mind you, I've always gotten over the panic part really quickly, taken stock of the situation, found a solution and all has worked out in the end. But it's that initial panic that seems to always throw people off. This has always been a way of life for me, I just never knew it was a problem until I went to work and it became a "developmental opportunity". Who knew?

I am happy to say today I had a breakthrough! Today I biked home from work, parked my bike in the garage and went to the mailbox to get today's dose of daily bills and my weekly letter addressed simply: "To The Parents of (insert one of two possible suspects here)" (these are usually never good news). On my way back to the garage to pick up my gear I heard a very loud "Pssssssing" sound and my heart sank. As I looked at my bike the story was set in stone. My front tire was flat...again. Ok, brace yourselves, this is where my breakthrough...well, broke through. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...I would have panicked here. I would have melted down, cried, felt picked on, singled out, I might have even wailed "Whhhhyyy meee". However, this time, instead of panic first, I went to "what are my options". I decided to take the tire off myself and see what, if anything I could do. I found the gash in the tube (this time it's not a pin hole like the other 2 were). Not sure if this is actually patchable so I haven't fixed it yet. But I feel better knowing what is wrong and that it isn't just God singling me out saying "JENNIFER! YOU! TAKE THIS!" It's just a simple flat tire, nothing more, nothing less and you know what? I am ok! Not a single tear was shed during the unveiling of this story. No story is complete without pictures, so, as always...click to super-size.





This is starting to be all too familiar.




Pancakeville



Found the issue!!



Sweet Psycho resting in the kitchen

Pain...

...I has it...

Soooo...we joined a Gym...

"Y" ? Because we wanted to! Seriously, after last weeks revelation regarding finances, eating, eating our finances I decided it was time to pick up the pace in my quest to lose someone that's been sucking the life out of my life for far too many years. Jen...continued. You know her, she's that extra person I have been dragging along with me for so long you don't even really "see" her. There is the healthy, vibrant 150 pound Jen and then there is "Jen continued". "Jen Part 2". "Return of the "Jen-i". "Jen-i Strikes back"...another 110 pounds of "Jen". That's 22 5lb bags of potatoes hanging from my body. I find that staggering. I hate having to carry ONE 5lb bag of potatoes from the car to the house and here I am lugging around 22 of them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Why? So, I have decided that instead of ALWAYS asking "WHY" I am going to ask "Y". As in the "YMCA". I am now a card carrying (don't look at the picture it's some other butt ugly woman, she must'a ran real quick in front of me JUST before they snapped it! The wench! I'll find her later...) water bottle toting, class taking, learning the combination to my lock...member of the "Y". "Y"? Because I have to. Because I want to.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at the number of other "double people" I saw right there with me (and me) at the gym last night. I was proud of them! They were out there sweating it out right next to those "other" people who so OBVIOUSLY don't need to be there but are there anyway (I won't judge, I won't judge) Not caring what they look like, not caring who is watching (or not watching) them. Just out there doing what needs to be done. YOU GO MAN! You don't care, so I won't care either! I don't care what anyone thinks about me (and me) right now. Yes, I have to deal with all the same issues that all the other people walking around with their own personal sequels have to deal with. You know...the shorts that don't fit just right or ride up in the thigh area ALL the darn time. The heavy breathing, excessive sweating...the looks of sheer struggle and exhaustion. But I am ok with that because I won't have to deal with it forever. I am cutting the cord on "part 2" and have started focusing all of my attention on the one and only true Jen.

My first class was a "Bodypump" class, it was an hour of pure hell but I loved every second of it. I also had another hour of strength and core training. Man was it rough. But I left that gym last night feeling like I had earned every drop of sweat and I slept like the dead until the alarm this morning. That doesn't happen very often. So I will continue down this road I have chosen and I will continue to work as hard and be as loyal to ME as I am to everything else in my life. "Y" because I am worth it!

...I wonder though...when I finally do lose "her", will a part of me miss her?

My week in Re-cap

Here it is Friday and I have to say, this has been a good week. I've started biking to the bus station again every day (started a week ago today). I rent a bike locker for $5.00 a month and I pay every 6 months, I bike from my house to the station and lock my bike up in the locker then ride the bus into downtown Minneapolis to work. The ride to the station is really not bad, a few rolling small hills but mostly down hill. You know what that means right? Going home is all UP hill. Very up hill. It is definately a work out for sure. 15 minutes in the morning to get there and 35-40 to get home. LOL. It kills! However I will say this...no matter HOW bad it hurts, how much my lungs feel like they can't pull enough air in to keep me going or that they've completely given up and I've got to turn around and go pick them up again from where they dropped out of my chest. No matter what...3 minutes after getting home and unloading my gear...I feel amazing! There is nothing like this feeling and I think it's what makes me come back the next day to do it all over again.

The beginning of the week started with some man shouting and laughing at me out his car window at 4:30 in the morning as I am biking and he's going the opposite direction. Hurt my feelings for sure but you know what...he sees some fat chick in day-glo yellow jacket on a bike and I see some ignorant S.O.B trying to emotionaly knock me down to make himself feel better. I will not always be this fat chick but I would venture to say he will always be an ignorat S.O.B. Nuff said.

As mid week approached I started finding myself feeling very thankful for the people in my life. Not many of you know this but I am married to a wonderful man but he is not my first husband. I was married before for 13 years. He (my ex) remarried as well a year or two ago and had another child. I was devestated, sad, angry... you name it, I felt it. Not because he remarried, I wished him all the best on that front and hoped he'd finally found what I had. It was the child. I had ALWAYS wanted another child and he forbid it. It was one of the bigger nails in the coffin that now holds that time of my life. I refused to get to know the woman he married. I was so jealous. Overcome with it. My whole person was riddled with jealously and it ate me alive. I blamed her for the hate and anger I was feeling when it wasn't her at all...it was me. Eventually I let it all go and have since gotten to know her as a person and I think she has to be one of the sweetest most genuine people I have ever met. I regret the time wasted feeling such negative emotions. Thanks Susan for being so patient with me...I am a work in progress for sure.

As the week trudged on and life tossed granades in my path...God decided to see what I was made of as well... As some may already know, Minnesota has seen some pretty crazy weather for sure. People always say "if you don't like the weather here, just wait 10 minutes, it will change!". They aren't kidding. Saturday last week we went biking and we had to bundle up because it was FREEZING. 3 days later we had weather in the 97's...I was biking HOME (remember, up hill)...it was like 96 degrees outside and we had 40 mph winds ALL day. It was amazing. It looked over cast outside but what it really was was dirt and crap in the air due to such high winds. So I am biking home in this heat, with these winds and I was refusing to give up! The hills were killers to begin with but NOTHING like when we had those winds, I thought I was going to die. Even the downhills were tough because the winds kept me from picking up speed. At one hill the wind was gusting so long that it held me in place practically! I was pedaling my heart out and not getting ANYWHERE...I just broke out laughing, I am SURE I was quite the sight to behold!

Late Wednesday afternoon after getting home my daughter met me at the door and she was wearing a shirt I hadn't seen in forever. I knew my darling daughter has been putting on a LOT of weight over the last couple of years but she tends to wear big shirts etc and you don't really notice it. Well I did this day. She's really gotten big and it breaks my heart because I remember comments made to me as I was a teen growing up, comments made by people I loved, people who meant well but those comments still hurt and they still left a hole just as if they had nailed a nail into a plank of wood...take the nail away and the hole is still there. I swore then and there that I would never do that to a child of mine. Later that evening I talked to David about it (he is also a big man and taking this life changing journey with me) and asked if he felt we could find a way to squeeze in money in our budget to pay for a YMCA membership for the family. We belonged a few years back but stopped due to money. He said we'd find a way together.

...Well at work on Thursday I called and a family membership to the "Y" is 105.00 a month. With our insurance if we go 8 times a month we get 40.00 off. My quest...can we find 105.00 a month. I went to my banks website and exported all transactions from April 1st to May 18th. Gave EVERYTHING a category, for example: any food consumed not at home was given "Take Out". Money spent at the grocery store or butcher "Grocery". Monthly bills that are budgeted are given a main category of "Bill" with a sub category of Payee. So on and so forth. This took me quite a bit of time but when I was done I was shocked, embarrased and sick to my stomach. From April 1st to May 18th we spent: Take out - $708.00 ; Groceries - $1,108.00...I didn't go any further. We budget 120.00 a week for groceries...so for 6 weeks that should only have been $720.00 at most...and Take out?! OMG! If we can "afford" and I use that term lightly because we OBVIOUSLY can't if we are struggling to pay the bills....but if we can "afford" 708.00 dollars to eat food that is KILLING us we sure as SHOOTIN' can pay 105.00 to go to the YMCA. Talk about eye opening.

So that brings me to Friday...David gave me $5.00 on Monday, I have $4.00 left and I really wanted to go buy a bagel (I have peanut butter at my desk)...but after much consideration I opted for a rice cake with peanut butter on it, which I already have and saved the $4.00 (and 320 calories that I would have consumed on that bagel...not counting the peanut butter). I feel good about that! Very good. I had a nice ride in this morning and I am looking forward to the challanging ride home this afternoon. I feel good...I feel happy.

Happy Friday!!!

BACK OFF MAN!

To all you lowlife people (mostly men 17 years of age to about 30) who find it necessary to laugh at me, call out mean names or make "noises" at me while I am biking...Kharma baby...kharma. It doesn't matter if I am biking to work, biking for stress relief, weight loss, improve my health or just because I felt like biking, I do not need you to remind me how fat I am. Seriously, do you think I have forgotten, even for one iota of a second, my physical appearance? With people like you in this world (and there are a lot of you) people like me are not ALLOWED to over look our size.

It's a darn good thing "dumb ass" isn't quite as noticeable at first glance as fat is or you would certainly know how it feels. At least I will continue to shrink...dumb ass doesn't rub off no matter HOW hard you try.

So BACK OFF MAN! I got it from here. Thanks.

Me powered...my ass!...

...DON'T the bike Gods KNOW it doesn't count if you only go out ONE way and have to be picked up??? I am currently feeling SOOO cursed...here, let me set the scene for you.

I've been biking now for almost one full year. As a matter of fact, it will be one year on May 8th! I like to think I've come a long way in that almost year. Loss of 40 pounds, mad bike skillz...(still bad temper, but hey, two outta three, right?). Well in this "almost year" we have bought 5 bikes. TWO of which were for me! The first bike I bought for me was a GREAT Apple red Beach Cruiser with a wicker basket (see picture below), three speeds and coaster brakes! GREAT bike at first but after three months I was addicted to biking and required far more than "Apple" (what I named my red bike) could provide me. So we bought my second bike, her name is "Maisie". Well, like I said, we bought five bikes, four of which we bought from "Penn Cycle" and ONE we bought from "Erik the bike man!" (Maisie). Well the ONLY ride We've (I) have had ANY issues with is MY bike that I bought from "Erik the bike Man!"...and SO far I have had:

1. One stuck tube stem resulting in an exploding tube which required cutting to remove.

2. One broke spoke that happened OUT in the middle of no where 11 miles from home requiring $30.00 cab ride, leaving my bike locked to the back of an abandoned building then coming back with the car to retrieve it and bring it to the shop.

3. One tire removing itself FROM the rim at 4:15 in the morning as I am riding to work. That was fun AND stressful...

4. One flat today (4.18.09) 8 miles into our journey...only to be TOPPED later by...

5. ONE MORE BROKEN SPOKE! 14 miles into the trip locking up the back wheel to the point of not turning requiring me to life it across the 4 lane street to the picnic table while David and Aaron rode the remaining 6 or 7 miles home to get the car to retrieve me and the bike. Oh...SOOO not happy.

Long story short, we complained... A LOT. Brought up the fact that 4 out of 5 bikes bought from Penn have never ONCE had an issue and ONE bike bought from Eriks has been in the shop 5 times in less than a year. Now they say I need new rims, double layer or some such nonsense, grand total is over $200.00. We are going to speak to headquarters on Monday to see if they will take up some of the slack since a LOT of information was neglectfully passed on to us, as consumers, back in August when I purchased this particular model that would have SWAYED my choice a LOT. We'll see what decision they come to.

So I only got 14 miles today but on the bright side I did finish my book "Sundays at Tiffany's" by James Patterson...ate a whole bag of "Good and Plentys" (this was a bad choice)...soaked up some sun while letting my temper simmer down just a little. All in all not a TOTAL loss. I hope Eriks does right by us and at least pays for one of the two rims.

For your viewing pleasure (if you haven't already seen them) here are pics from my glorious flat from earlier in the ride.

Click for biggerness!

Goodbye, dear friend

Dear Joey,

You and I have been friends for such a long time. I remember so clearly the day you and I met. In the beginning, you were not destined to be my friend, but that of another human. I had just lost my friend Patches weeks before this fateful day and was lonely when approached by her. She asked if I would please care for you for a few weeks so that she could prepare her home and make it ready to welcome you in. Your previous home was the Bishop Animal Shelter and though a wonderful safe haven for hundreds of helpless, homeless and abandonded creatures, such as yourself, not a home deserving of such a special soul. I agreed at once to take you in, promising to care for you as though you were my own and relinquish you to her...when the time came.

The minute I saw your face, I knew...without a doubt...you were meant for me.

I took you in, cared for you, loved you and secretly struggled with how to approach her and ask that she find another friend, that you belonged with me. As the weeks passed the more worried I became at the thought of having to give you back.

The day you were to leave, I had decided to be upfront and honest and explain to her that this sweet, loving, gentle cat...truly belonged here. However, you beat me to the punch. Attacked her when she tried to pick you up, clawed her head and..well...scared the crap out of her. You were now mine.

We've been through a lot over the years. Other cats, dogs, two kids, a divorce, a trip to Minnesota (you were very brave!) a new home, a new husband, another cat and a new dog. And through it all you have been a constant and true friend.

I knew as the years past and your leaps grew fewer and farther between, your naps longer and your eyes more tired...that our time was drawing to an end. I tried not to think about it but it was always in the back of my mind. 18 isn't very old for a cat, we still have many more years together...I rationalized within my own mind. I was wrong. Borrowed time, is what we had...and all too quickly the time had come and I was not ready. I think you were.

In the end I wanted more for you than a cold steril hospital, strange people, sharp needles and barking dogs. I wanted peace for you, your sunbeam in the morning and the quiet comfort of my room in the evening. I hope it was the right choice to make, I hope it is what you would have wanted.

Unfortunatly the end came too fast dear friend, I wasn't ready.

Now you are gone and there is a big hole in my heart left behind. The house seems so strange without your presence and I find myself second guessing every choice I made on your behalf towards the end. I will never know if my choices were "right" but I will always know my choices were made because I loved you.

Now every time the sun shines through my window, I will always think of you.

Until we meet again

I love you

Happy New Saturday everyone!

Yikes, been eight days short of a month since my last entry...but it's been incredibly busy. More to come on that a little later today while the boys are off having their hairs cut. For now, suffice it to say, I've been busy. I have pictures to upload from Christmas / New Year, I have stats to post, goals to mention, so on and so forth. However, this will all come in the next installment, for now, I have a spending plan to work on and a yearly budget to try and complete, so, without further adieu...

peace out...