Day 375...and counting

How do they do it? How do they find that inspiration to keep pushing and plodding on every single solitary day when the journey seems to be getting longer and longer with each passing minute for me? Here I sit, day 375 of consistently tuning in, despite inconsistent successes. In the past year I went from weighing every day to weighing once a month, not weighing at all and going strictly by "feel", weighing once every week or so to now, weighing every Thursday (with a caveat of course...). I tracked every single morsel that would pass my lips (a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!), didn't track at all, Was strict all week and had free day on Sunday, had a "treat bucket" locked in a closet that only came out on Sunday where I would eat whatever and how ever much I wanted. Free day turned in to "Free most of the time". Fell off the wagon...got back on the wagon, fell down, got back up yet again. Went to the gym every day 7 days a week, dropped to 5-6 days, took two weeks off...went back. I've cried, screamed, pondered why I am surrounded by success but can't get any to stick to me. Wondered "What is wrong with me?" ; "What am I doing wrong?" ; "Why can't I just stop eating?"...at my lowest moments (and trust me, I am not proud of this at all) I've even thought "Of all the eating disorders in this world, why do I have to have the one that makes me fat?!?!".




What is it? It's a marathon...a journey...a life long, hang on to your hats it's gonna be a bumpy ride...endless expedition.



What isn't it? It's NOT a quick fix. It's not a "take this one small pill and lose all your belly fat instantly". It's not "sprinkle this on your food and eat as much as you want and lose weight". It's DEFINATLY not "think thin and be thin" This one makes me laugh because I feel thin all the time but am always so damn surprised to see myself in a reflective window walking down the street....or a mirror...or worse, actual pictures. The old adage says, "the camera adds 20 lbs". In my case it's another whole person.



Most days I want the quick fix. I want the journey to end in success so badly it seems criminal to have to wait so long. I want what every American seems to want, instant gratification.



Most days what I get is that inner voice that says "get your ass out of bed, put on those damn workout clothes and just get to the f*cking gym"..."just do it". The inner struggle that says "NO, I DON'T WANT TO!". I'm tired, I'm cramping, My head hurts, my body aches, I should go in early to work because there is so much to do, I'm too stressed, I'm too fat, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!..."I hate you".



Just over one year of consistently tuning in and I didn't lose anywhere NEAR what I had thought I would lose, I struggled, I fell, I got back up again. My successes weren't as grand as I had hoped at the end of a whole year...but in the end, there were successes. I can wear size 18 jeans (down from 24 last year). I can run. I can do an hour on the elliptical without hoping for death at any second just so it will end. I don't have a "treat bucket" anymore. I don't have a "free day" anymore. I know what "full" feels like and frankly don't like eating to that point because it is uncomfortable now...not comforting like it used to. M&M's are not something I "HAVE" to buy in a 2lb bag anymore so that I will have enough. I've met some pretty amazing people through Fitness Pals, I've made friends at the gym. I may never walk into a bar and have "everyone know my name" but now, I walk in to the gym and they do and if the don't always know my name, they recognize my face. Every. Single. Time.



I learned that success is not always big. Sometimes success comes in a very tiny package...but that doesn't make it any less a success.



Day 375...and counting

Tuesday, January 24th ...My Monday...

(4:47am) I thought I could get away from calorie counting or point counting or tracking food in general, in any form...but it is apparent, this will not work.  I thought that if I just "ate what I should and leave it at that" it would be enough.  It's not.  I MUST count calories and track every bite.  I must.  At least for now and the near future, track...count...weigh everything.  After 3 weeks of hard work and struggle and dropping those 7 pounds, as of this morning I am back UP those 7 pounds plus an additional .4 more.  SO FAST!  SO not fair.  So disappointing, frustrating, infuriating...3 weeks to scrape and struggle and cry them off...3 days to pack them back on with absolutely NO effort what so ever.  Do I feel like a complete failure?  Hell yes I do.  However, I can't give in to those feelings as I will attract that energy.  I don't want that.  So...new experiment, I am 24 days into the new year and starting today I will track ever single thing I eat for the rest of the entire year.  This is gonna hurt.

If I don't track it...my body will....for the entire world to see.

Monday...you always seem to come so fast...

Happy Monday again, back to the grind stone. This weekend was relatively fun for the most part, a lot of what I like best, nothing. Never was a “big plans” kinda gal.

I didn’t meet my goals this weekend as far as health goes but the one point that is now glaringly obvious, I NEED routine on the weekends. Much like I have routine Monday – Friday. I have to have it to function properly and meet my ultimate goals. So this week I will be focusing on these three TOP goals:


1. Eat 4-5 veggies and 2 fruits EVERY day

2. Drink AT LEAST 70 oz. of water a day (more is fine)

3. Get back into the habit of REGULAR gym visitis. (this week will not be so much WHAT I do at the gym so much as focusing on getting there every single day habitually. I’ve been “skipping” the gym way too much and coming up with any excuse under the sun to justify it. Buck stops here. I’m never going to get the butt I want by constantly sitting on the one I already have.


And one final “goal” (more of a “I really want to prove to myself I can do this). NO treats Monday – Saturday. None. No excuse. No stress eating. NONE. Treats on Sunday only. (Dear God hear my plea….help me do this!)

Thursday, November 3rd (5:30am)

Hallelujah, it's Thursday! I've decided to join in on the "REVERSE Resolutions Challange" created by Mary at "Fitthisgirl.com" so for this challange I need tocome up with 2 "goals" TODAY, these two goals must fit the "SMART" criteria

I am not really good with setting goals, I'll lay that right out there. I always have the loftiest of goals for myself to which I have all of the best intentions but I get frustrated and always give up. So I ask myself this morning after reading Mary's emailed instructions, what are your two goals Jen? The FIRST thing in my head was "I want to lose 100 lbs!" Seriously? 100?...in 60 days? See what I mean? So for now I'm just going to list (up to 10) the ideas that I want to see happen over the next 60 days. From this list I will choose two "goals"...with Mary's help (I'm hoping) What do I want to achieve over the next 60 days?

1. I want to lose 20 lbs.
2. I want to not run for the food/snacks when emotions start running high or heated
3. I want to go to the gym consistently, without fail, 3 times a week.
4. stay away from "snacking" monday - saturday
5. I want to consistently eat no less than 5 veggies a day
6. I want to consistently drink at least 72 ounces of water a day
7. I want to wear my khaki pants comfortably (currently quite snug but wearable...not comfy)
8. I want to consistently lift weights 3 times a week
9. I want to run 3 miles in 40 minutes
10. I want to improve my bendiness

There...that's 10. Now I have to choose 2. Need to think on this a bit. Back later.

My journey to the Warrior Dash...the very beginning...

Ok, how to even begin to document Warrior Dash – Minnesota, 2011 is, as of right now, a complete mystery to me. My original plan at the time of registration (November 16, 2010) was to lose a ton of weight and the conquering of this event would be my pinnacle. Well, so much for lofty goals. I never did get to the weight I “wanted” (or deemed necessary for that matter). I did actually do a very good job of waffling back and forth and though I did actually lose about 15-20 more pounds over the year I virtually maintained for the most part. Which…is great, don’t get me wrong, as any “normal weight” person will tell you, maintaining is hard and I have proven this year that I can, indeed, maintain weight. I want it written down, for the record though, that my dream was to actually maintain 150 pounds…not the 248 that currently reside on my 5’6” frame.

I did continue to watch what I ate, went the gym on my scheduled days (for the most part). There were a few months we didn’t get our “bonus” (a reduced membership premium for attending 12 or more times a month) because we didn’t meet the monthly attendance requirements but overall we did well. For sedentary people we do move a lot. I decided that I couldn’t do the nutrition portion of my journey alone. It was quite apparent early on that I could not be trusted. I could not trust myself to stick to my “plan” and eat the “good” and steer clear of the “bad”. I could justify anything at any given time and I found out very early that I truly am a wealth of excuses just waiting to erupt, each and every one of them very plausible (if not wholly believable).

Entering, stage left…Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers is a great plan and it worked for me, it probably would still be working for me if not the financial implications of belonging to such a warm and welcoming group of “do-gooders”. For $39.95 a month, plus registration fees, snack fees, cookbooks, utensils, journal holders, 3 month trackers, water bottles, exercise videos, cookbooks, gum, special candies, restaurant guides and all those handy-dandy cannot do without, you name it, we got it, items you too can succeed. Don’t get me wrong, I truly did love Weight Watchers. I loved attending the meetings, hearing other people facing the same battles that I am on a daily basis, learning their tricks and tips to passing by the “too good to be true” donuts that just happen to always appear on the team tables and in the break rooms of offices near you. And all those “extras” mentioned above are just that, extras…you don’t HAVE to purchase them. But how can you not? Most of us wearing these shoes will do or try ANYTHING to make it to the next level of control. If it works for someone else, it MUST work for me. I’d be insane not to try…right? Well I tried…I lost, I gained…I maintained but in all honestly the most loss came from my bank account. So, even though I loved the meetings, my meeting leader and all those supportive people I’d come to really care for every Wednesday morning at 7:30am. I just couldn’t afford to “lose” anymore with Weight Watchers. Account closed.

I thought I could “go it alone” at this point, you know, follow the Weight Watchers plan on my own, using all those nifty gadgets I purchased during my membership and the knowledge I had thus far gained. I could do it on my own for FREE! Well, that lasted all of a couple of weeks. Without my weekly “accountability” my well of excuses over flowed and slowly but surely I stopped dropping. Here comes the waffling bits…up 2 down 1, up 4 down 5, up 3 down 1 and so on and so forth. Never really surpassing that special number on the scale, you know the one…the one that says “Oh no! I’ve failed again!”…but not really achieving that other special number, the “I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE GONE THIS FAR…” number! The “one” number you haven’t been in 15 years or more. It wasn’t working and it wasn’t working in a big way. How was I EVER going to get to where I wanted to be in order to participate in the Warrior Dash if I couldn’t even conquer my kitchen cabinet?

19 days and going in the wrong direction

Having a really hard time. Here we are July 5th, my "mini goal" of 10 pounds by August 1st is looking like a pipe dream and only 19 days remaining until I run the Warrior Dash. I've been eating like crap the last 4 days and using the holiday weekend as my excuse to extend "treat day" from Sunday to Thursday night, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Zero Gym days in there. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I KNOW what I want, I KNOW how to achieve it but I keep veering off the easy path and trodding down the path of self sabotage. I need some serious help, a 12 step program, an intervention, a shrink...SOMETHING.

Are you there God? It's me...Jennifer...

23 Days and counting!

WOW, 23 days until I run the "Warrior Dash" in Hastings! I never did quite get down to the weight I wanted to be before the actual race but that's ok. I sort of lost my way this summer, strayed off my path by just a hair and lost my clear view of the road. Have no fear though, I think I've found it again and if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other I'll make it.

There are 11 obstacles in this race and there are only about 2 that I am really concerned about, however, I am trying hard to ignore the fat lady in my head dooming me to failure before I even try. You can't win the race if you don't run, right? Concerning obstacles? Well, the walls (climbing up) and the Rapelling down the steep slope. Jim was awesome last Sunday at my session, he brought this huge rope and tied it to one of the stairway bannisters at the gym and we tried to "simulate" pulling myself up the slope with the rope. It wasn't a perfect simulation but it worked enough to feel it and to get the general "gist" of what to expect. Thanks Jim! Thanks for pushing me and for never giving up on me!

Decided to try implementing "mini goals" into the mix. Figure if I can hit a mini goal in a shorter amount of time that the smaller successes will keep me motivated and in time lead to the bigger success that currently seems so elusive. Mini goal #1 : Lose 10 pounds by August 1st. Will keep you posted.

Time for work...and coffee.