Developmental Opportunities

As a woman who is learning to work through her issues with change, learning to take things in stride instead of heading straight for the panic button first THEN take my calming breath. Yep, that's me...Panic first...then calming breath. I must admit that I have learned a lot over the past 5 years. To give credit where credit is due I will openly admit that the root of these learnings have been through Target. Yes, the good ole' J.O.B. For anyone working in a corporate environment there's a lot to be said for embracing ones "developmental opportunities". At Target we have our "Strengths" and our "Developmental Opportunities". Twice a year we have to beat these with sticks much like you would a dead horse. At first glance I will admit to thinking these were nothing more than exercises in futility, what good can possibly come from scouring through months of hard work to pick and choose areas from within yourself, your work habits, the way you connect with others, the way others "perceive" you (whether that's how you perceive yourself or not is irrelevant) putting everything in nice, neat little bullet points to answer one burning question...Does Jennifer play well with others?

Well I am here to say...it does work. Color me shocked! There are quite a few areas of myself that I have identified over the years as "developmental opportunities". Lets see...there was "does not like change" , "public speaking", "sharing my knowledge without fear of rejection" and the good ole' "panic first before anything else in times of crisis". That one has always been something I've struggled with. No matter the crisis, I've always skipped over the whole "calming breath", "assess your situation", "is there anything you can affect" steps and ran head long into "PANIC FREAK-OUT and CRY" mode. Mind you, I've always gotten over the panic part really quickly, taken stock of the situation, found a solution and all has worked out in the end. But it's that initial panic that seems to always throw people off. This has always been a way of life for me, I just never knew it was a problem until I went to work and it became a "developmental opportunity". Who knew?

I am happy to say today I had a breakthrough! Today I biked home from work, parked my bike in the garage and went to the mailbox to get today's dose of daily bills and my weekly letter addressed simply: "To The Parents of (insert one of two possible suspects here)" (these are usually never good news). On my way back to the garage to pick up my gear I heard a very loud "Pssssssing" sound and my heart sank. As I looked at my bike the story was set in stone. My front tire was flat...again. Ok, brace yourselves, this is where my breakthrough...well, broke through. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...I would have panicked here. I would have melted down, cried, felt picked on, singled out, I might have even wailed "Whhhhyyy meee". However, this time, instead of panic first, I went to "what are my options". I decided to take the tire off myself and see what, if anything I could do. I found the gash in the tube (this time it's not a pin hole like the other 2 were). Not sure if this is actually patchable so I haven't fixed it yet. But I feel better knowing what is wrong and that it isn't just God singling me out saying "JENNIFER! YOU! TAKE THIS!" It's just a simple flat tire, nothing more, nothing less and you know what? I am ok! Not a single tear was shed during the unveiling of this story. No story is complete without pictures, so, as always...click to super-size.





This is starting to be all too familiar.




Pancakeville



Found the issue!!



Sweet Psycho resting in the kitchen

Pain...

...I has it...

Soooo...we joined a Gym...

"Y" ? Because we wanted to! Seriously, after last weeks revelation regarding finances, eating, eating our finances I decided it was time to pick up the pace in my quest to lose someone that's been sucking the life out of my life for far too many years. Jen...continued. You know her, she's that extra person I have been dragging along with me for so long you don't even really "see" her. There is the healthy, vibrant 150 pound Jen and then there is "Jen continued". "Jen Part 2". "Return of the "Jen-i". "Jen-i Strikes back"...another 110 pounds of "Jen". That's 22 5lb bags of potatoes hanging from my body. I find that staggering. I hate having to carry ONE 5lb bag of potatoes from the car to the house and here I am lugging around 22 of them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Why? So, I have decided that instead of ALWAYS asking "WHY" I am going to ask "Y". As in the "YMCA". I am now a card carrying (don't look at the picture it's some other butt ugly woman, she must'a ran real quick in front of me JUST before they snapped it! The wench! I'll find her later...) water bottle toting, class taking, learning the combination to my lock...member of the "Y". "Y"? Because I have to. Because I want to.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised at the number of other "double people" I saw right there with me (and me) at the gym last night. I was proud of them! They were out there sweating it out right next to those "other" people who so OBVIOUSLY don't need to be there but are there anyway (I won't judge, I won't judge) Not caring what they look like, not caring who is watching (or not watching) them. Just out there doing what needs to be done. YOU GO MAN! You don't care, so I won't care either! I don't care what anyone thinks about me (and me) right now. Yes, I have to deal with all the same issues that all the other people walking around with their own personal sequels have to deal with. You know...the shorts that don't fit just right or ride up in the thigh area ALL the darn time. The heavy breathing, excessive sweating...the looks of sheer struggle and exhaustion. But I am ok with that because I won't have to deal with it forever. I am cutting the cord on "part 2" and have started focusing all of my attention on the one and only true Jen.

My first class was a "Bodypump" class, it was an hour of pure hell but I loved every second of it. I also had another hour of strength and core training. Man was it rough. But I left that gym last night feeling like I had earned every drop of sweat and I slept like the dead until the alarm this morning. That doesn't happen very often. So I will continue down this road I have chosen and I will continue to work as hard and be as loyal to ME as I am to everything else in my life. "Y" because I am worth it!

...I wonder though...when I finally do lose "her", will a part of me miss her?

My week in Re-cap

Here it is Friday and I have to say, this has been a good week. I've started biking to the bus station again every day (started a week ago today). I rent a bike locker for $5.00 a month and I pay every 6 months, I bike from my house to the station and lock my bike up in the locker then ride the bus into downtown Minneapolis to work. The ride to the station is really not bad, a few rolling small hills but mostly down hill. You know what that means right? Going home is all UP hill. Very up hill. It is definately a work out for sure. 15 minutes in the morning to get there and 35-40 to get home. LOL. It kills! However I will say this...no matter HOW bad it hurts, how much my lungs feel like they can't pull enough air in to keep me going or that they've completely given up and I've got to turn around and go pick them up again from where they dropped out of my chest. No matter what...3 minutes after getting home and unloading my gear...I feel amazing! There is nothing like this feeling and I think it's what makes me come back the next day to do it all over again.

The beginning of the week started with some man shouting and laughing at me out his car window at 4:30 in the morning as I am biking and he's going the opposite direction. Hurt my feelings for sure but you know what...he sees some fat chick in day-glo yellow jacket on a bike and I see some ignorant S.O.B trying to emotionaly knock me down to make himself feel better. I will not always be this fat chick but I would venture to say he will always be an ignorat S.O.B. Nuff said.

As mid week approached I started finding myself feeling very thankful for the people in my life. Not many of you know this but I am married to a wonderful man but he is not my first husband. I was married before for 13 years. He (my ex) remarried as well a year or two ago and had another child. I was devestated, sad, angry... you name it, I felt it. Not because he remarried, I wished him all the best on that front and hoped he'd finally found what I had. It was the child. I had ALWAYS wanted another child and he forbid it. It was one of the bigger nails in the coffin that now holds that time of my life. I refused to get to know the woman he married. I was so jealous. Overcome with it. My whole person was riddled with jealously and it ate me alive. I blamed her for the hate and anger I was feeling when it wasn't her at all...it was me. Eventually I let it all go and have since gotten to know her as a person and I think she has to be one of the sweetest most genuine people I have ever met. I regret the time wasted feeling such negative emotions. Thanks Susan for being so patient with me...I am a work in progress for sure.

As the week trudged on and life tossed granades in my path...God decided to see what I was made of as well... As some may already know, Minnesota has seen some pretty crazy weather for sure. People always say "if you don't like the weather here, just wait 10 minutes, it will change!". They aren't kidding. Saturday last week we went biking and we had to bundle up because it was FREEZING. 3 days later we had weather in the 97's...I was biking HOME (remember, up hill)...it was like 96 degrees outside and we had 40 mph winds ALL day. It was amazing. It looked over cast outside but what it really was was dirt and crap in the air due to such high winds. So I am biking home in this heat, with these winds and I was refusing to give up! The hills were killers to begin with but NOTHING like when we had those winds, I thought I was going to die. Even the downhills were tough because the winds kept me from picking up speed. At one hill the wind was gusting so long that it held me in place practically! I was pedaling my heart out and not getting ANYWHERE...I just broke out laughing, I am SURE I was quite the sight to behold!

Late Wednesday afternoon after getting home my daughter met me at the door and she was wearing a shirt I hadn't seen in forever. I knew my darling daughter has been putting on a LOT of weight over the last couple of years but she tends to wear big shirts etc and you don't really notice it. Well I did this day. She's really gotten big and it breaks my heart because I remember comments made to me as I was a teen growing up, comments made by people I loved, people who meant well but those comments still hurt and they still left a hole just as if they had nailed a nail into a plank of wood...take the nail away and the hole is still there. I swore then and there that I would never do that to a child of mine. Later that evening I talked to David about it (he is also a big man and taking this life changing journey with me) and asked if he felt we could find a way to squeeze in money in our budget to pay for a YMCA membership for the family. We belonged a few years back but stopped due to money. He said we'd find a way together.

...Well at work on Thursday I called and a family membership to the "Y" is 105.00 a month. With our insurance if we go 8 times a month we get 40.00 off. My quest...can we find 105.00 a month. I went to my banks website and exported all transactions from April 1st to May 18th. Gave EVERYTHING a category, for example: any food consumed not at home was given "Take Out". Money spent at the grocery store or butcher "Grocery". Monthly bills that are budgeted are given a main category of "Bill" with a sub category of Payee. So on and so forth. This took me quite a bit of time but when I was done I was shocked, embarrased and sick to my stomach. From April 1st to May 18th we spent: Take out - $708.00 ; Groceries - $1,108.00...I didn't go any further. We budget 120.00 a week for groceries...so for 6 weeks that should only have been $720.00 at most...and Take out?! OMG! If we can "afford" and I use that term lightly because we OBVIOUSLY can't if we are struggling to pay the bills....but if we can "afford" 708.00 dollars to eat food that is KILLING us we sure as SHOOTIN' can pay 105.00 to go to the YMCA. Talk about eye opening.

So that brings me to Friday...David gave me $5.00 on Monday, I have $4.00 left and I really wanted to go buy a bagel (I have peanut butter at my desk)...but after much consideration I opted for a rice cake with peanut butter on it, which I already have and saved the $4.00 (and 320 calories that I would have consumed on that bagel...not counting the peanut butter). I feel good about that! Very good. I had a nice ride in this morning and I am looking forward to the challanging ride home this afternoon. I feel good...I feel happy.

Happy Friday!!!

BACK OFF MAN!

To all you lowlife people (mostly men 17 years of age to about 30) who find it necessary to laugh at me, call out mean names or make "noises" at me while I am biking...Kharma baby...kharma. It doesn't matter if I am biking to work, biking for stress relief, weight loss, improve my health or just because I felt like biking, I do not need you to remind me how fat I am. Seriously, do you think I have forgotten, even for one iota of a second, my physical appearance? With people like you in this world (and there are a lot of you) people like me are not ALLOWED to over look our size.

It's a darn good thing "dumb ass" isn't quite as noticeable at first glance as fat is or you would certainly know how it feels. At least I will continue to shrink...dumb ass doesn't rub off no matter HOW hard you try.

So BACK OFF MAN! I got it from here. Thanks.

Me powered...my ass!...

...DON'T the bike Gods KNOW it doesn't count if you only go out ONE way and have to be picked up??? I am currently feeling SOOO cursed...here, let me set the scene for you.

I've been biking now for almost one full year. As a matter of fact, it will be one year on May 8th! I like to think I've come a long way in that almost year. Loss of 40 pounds, mad bike skillz...(still bad temper, but hey, two outta three, right?). Well in this "almost year" we have bought 5 bikes. TWO of which were for me! The first bike I bought for me was a GREAT Apple red Beach Cruiser with a wicker basket (see picture below), three speeds and coaster brakes! GREAT bike at first but after three months I was addicted to biking and required far more than "Apple" (what I named my red bike) could provide me. So we bought my second bike, her name is "Maisie". Well, like I said, we bought five bikes, four of which we bought from "Penn Cycle" and ONE we bought from "Erik the bike man!" (Maisie). Well the ONLY ride We've (I) have had ANY issues with is MY bike that I bought from "Erik the bike Man!"...and SO far I have had:

1. One stuck tube stem resulting in an exploding tube which required cutting to remove.

2. One broke spoke that happened OUT in the middle of no where 11 miles from home requiring $30.00 cab ride, leaving my bike locked to the back of an abandoned building then coming back with the car to retrieve it and bring it to the shop.

3. One tire removing itself FROM the rim at 4:15 in the morning as I am riding to work. That was fun AND stressful...

4. One flat today (4.18.09) 8 miles into our journey...only to be TOPPED later by...

5. ONE MORE BROKEN SPOKE! 14 miles into the trip locking up the back wheel to the point of not turning requiring me to life it across the 4 lane street to the picnic table while David and Aaron rode the remaining 6 or 7 miles home to get the car to retrieve me and the bike. Oh...SOOO not happy.

Long story short, we complained... A LOT. Brought up the fact that 4 out of 5 bikes bought from Penn have never ONCE had an issue and ONE bike bought from Eriks has been in the shop 5 times in less than a year. Now they say I need new rims, double layer or some such nonsense, grand total is over $200.00. We are going to speak to headquarters on Monday to see if they will take up some of the slack since a LOT of information was neglectfully passed on to us, as consumers, back in August when I purchased this particular model that would have SWAYED my choice a LOT. We'll see what decision they come to.

So I only got 14 miles today but on the bright side I did finish my book "Sundays at Tiffany's" by James Patterson...ate a whole bag of "Good and Plentys" (this was a bad choice)...soaked up some sun while letting my temper simmer down just a little. All in all not a TOTAL loss. I hope Eriks does right by us and at least pays for one of the two rims.

For your viewing pleasure (if you haven't already seen them) here are pics from my glorious flat from earlier in the ride.

Click for biggerness!

Goodbye, dear friend

Dear Joey,

You and I have been friends for such a long time. I remember so clearly the day you and I met. In the beginning, you were not destined to be my friend, but that of another human. I had just lost my friend Patches weeks before this fateful day and was lonely when approached by her. She asked if I would please care for you for a few weeks so that she could prepare her home and make it ready to welcome you in. Your previous home was the Bishop Animal Shelter and though a wonderful safe haven for hundreds of helpless, homeless and abandonded creatures, such as yourself, not a home deserving of such a special soul. I agreed at once to take you in, promising to care for you as though you were my own and relinquish you to her...when the time came.

The minute I saw your face, I knew...without a doubt...you were meant for me.

I took you in, cared for you, loved you and secretly struggled with how to approach her and ask that she find another friend, that you belonged with me. As the weeks passed the more worried I became at the thought of having to give you back.

The day you were to leave, I had decided to be upfront and honest and explain to her that this sweet, loving, gentle cat...truly belonged here. However, you beat me to the punch. Attacked her when she tried to pick you up, clawed her head and..well...scared the crap out of her. You were now mine.

We've been through a lot over the years. Other cats, dogs, two kids, a divorce, a trip to Minnesota (you were very brave!) a new home, a new husband, another cat and a new dog. And through it all you have been a constant and true friend.

I knew as the years past and your leaps grew fewer and farther between, your naps longer and your eyes more tired...that our time was drawing to an end. I tried not to think about it but it was always in the back of my mind. 18 isn't very old for a cat, we still have many more years together...I rationalized within my own mind. I was wrong. Borrowed time, is what we had...and all too quickly the time had come and I was not ready. I think you were.

In the end I wanted more for you than a cold steril hospital, strange people, sharp needles and barking dogs. I wanted peace for you, your sunbeam in the morning and the quiet comfort of my room in the evening. I hope it was the right choice to make, I hope it is what you would have wanted.

Unfortunatly the end came too fast dear friend, I wasn't ready.

Now you are gone and there is a big hole in my heart left behind. The house seems so strange without your presence and I find myself second guessing every choice I made on your behalf towards the end. I will never know if my choices were "right" but I will always know my choices were made because I loved you.

Now every time the sun shines through my window, I will always think of you.

Until we meet again

I love you

Happy New Saturday everyone!

Yikes, been eight days short of a month since my last entry...but it's been incredibly busy. More to come on that a little later today while the boys are off having their hairs cut. For now, suffice it to say, I've been busy. I have pictures to upload from Christmas / New Year, I have stats to post, goals to mention, so on and so forth. However, this will all come in the next installment, for now, I have a spending plan to work on and a yearly budget to try and complete, so, without further adieu...

peace out...