Day 375...and counting

How do they do it? How do they find that inspiration to keep pushing and plodding on every single solitary day when the journey seems to be getting longer and longer with each passing minute for me? Here I sit, day 375 of consistently tuning in, despite inconsistent successes. In the past year I went from weighing every day to weighing once a month, not weighing at all and going strictly by "feel", weighing once every week or so to now, weighing every Thursday (with a caveat of course...). I tracked every single morsel that would pass my lips (a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!), didn't track at all, Was strict all week and had free day on Sunday, had a "treat bucket" locked in a closet that only came out on Sunday where I would eat whatever and how ever much I wanted. Free day turned in to "Free most of the time". Fell off the wagon...got back on the wagon, fell down, got back up yet again. Went to the gym every day 7 days a week, dropped to 5-6 days, took two weeks off...went back. I've cried, screamed, pondered why I am surrounded by success but can't get any to stick to me. Wondered "What is wrong with me?" ; "What am I doing wrong?" ; "Why can't I just stop eating?"...at my lowest moments (and trust me, I am not proud of this at all) I've even thought "Of all the eating disorders in this world, why do I have to have the one that makes me fat?!?!".




What is it? It's a marathon...a journey...a life long, hang on to your hats it's gonna be a bumpy ride...endless expedition.



What isn't it? It's NOT a quick fix. It's not a "take this one small pill and lose all your belly fat instantly". It's not "sprinkle this on your food and eat as much as you want and lose weight". It's DEFINATLY not "think thin and be thin" This one makes me laugh because I feel thin all the time but am always so damn surprised to see myself in a reflective window walking down the street....or a mirror...or worse, actual pictures. The old adage says, "the camera adds 20 lbs". In my case it's another whole person.



Most days I want the quick fix. I want the journey to end in success so badly it seems criminal to have to wait so long. I want what every American seems to want, instant gratification.



Most days what I get is that inner voice that says "get your ass out of bed, put on those damn workout clothes and just get to the f*cking gym"..."just do it". The inner struggle that says "NO, I DON'T WANT TO!". I'm tired, I'm cramping, My head hurts, my body aches, I should go in early to work because there is so much to do, I'm too stressed, I'm too fat, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!..."I hate you".



Just over one year of consistently tuning in and I didn't lose anywhere NEAR what I had thought I would lose, I struggled, I fell, I got back up again. My successes weren't as grand as I had hoped at the end of a whole year...but in the end, there were successes. I can wear size 18 jeans (down from 24 last year). I can run. I can do an hour on the elliptical without hoping for death at any second just so it will end. I don't have a "treat bucket" anymore. I don't have a "free day" anymore. I know what "full" feels like and frankly don't like eating to that point because it is uncomfortable now...not comforting like it used to. M&M's are not something I "HAVE" to buy in a 2lb bag anymore so that I will have enough. I've met some pretty amazing people through Fitness Pals, I've made friends at the gym. I may never walk into a bar and have "everyone know my name" but now, I walk in to the gym and they do and if the don't always know my name, they recognize my face. Every. Single. Time.



I learned that success is not always big. Sometimes success comes in a very tiny package...but that doesn't make it any less a success.



Day 375...and counting